After Love is Through

Going round in circles,
No place to go, no place to reach
In search of what has been lost
In search of what had never been

Reclusive Reclusive
Loner they say
If only they’d known
Now they never will

Think, think back in time
Strain your mind
Torture it till you’ve had enough
And just before you give up
It’ll come back to you

The sound of my laughter
The glint in my eyes
The softness of my words
My skin that felt like love

You’re the last one
The one to have known
Seen it in your eyes
What you’ve lost forever

Bring me down oh so gently
Lay me on my back
On soft cushions and petals
Keep me in comfort

I rest my eyes, the ones you loved
You’ll see a smile escape
As I feel the pain swivel out
And fall deep in to sweet numbness

Don’t cry, I don’t hurt anymore
I wish I’d known this before
Love gives you a thousand senses
And then makes you numb

Reclusive Reclusive
Loner they say
If only they’d known
Now they never will

Why don't they just shoot me instead?

I did have nightmares, though not so frequently. I hardly recollect them post- waking up and they never ever came true. But the cursed day arrived and I did not have the slightest intuition (it’s on strike since a couple of years) that my nightmare was going to materialize. I entered my living room, flopped on my couch and switched on the idiot box for my favorite show- The Bugs and Daffy Show, on Cartoon Network. That’s when I suddenly realize, they have dubbed it in Hindi. The cracks on my ceiling, a very angry mom and some terrified neighbors are all I have as witnesses to my blood curdling scream. And the potted plant at the window withered a bit.
I spent around a week sulking and making frantic calls to the cable operator who kept saying the same irritating line “madam, this is the transmission problem. We cannot help it. You got kids at home?” Now, I’d like to meet the super dumbass who said that cartoons were meant for kids. I think that the wit, humor, sarcasm and mild double meaning talk cannot be possibly appreciated by children. Unwritten norms of society. Pah.
That’s beside the point. (I’ll write separately on that). The issue here was that the only channel I truly loved and that was in a way quite real in comparison to the “real life drama” soaps, was dubbed in Hindi. I do respect my national language and am proud of it. But that does not justify dubbing of non-Hindi channels. It’s ironical that a country where it is alright for a person to be bad at their mother-tongue, but absolutely unforgivable for a person to lack the knowledge of the English language, where dogs and children, in presence of outsiders/visitors/relatives, are asked to obey commands in English- Sit, stand, sing a song for uncle and aunty, say a poem…in this country, English channels are dubbed.
The least they could do was to have believable and different voices for each and every character. Dexter’s sister Didi sounds suspiciously similar to the notorious princess in Powerpuff girls, Wilma Flintstone, Jane Jetson and Dexter’s mom are all the same person, Fred Flintstone sounds perpetually drunk, Scooby-Doo was always irritating and continues to be so. But what really takes the cake is The Mask. They went to the heights of changing their names. Stanley has become Sachin and his dog Milo is Billu. Somebody kill me.
Thankfully, Tom and Jerry and The Roadrunner Show do not have dialogues so I still watch them. But they have ruined most of my favorite cartoons. Even the title tracks are dubbed. I had vowed against watching Cartoon Network till they changed it back to English. They didn’t. I found solace in Nickelodeon. A few months back that too has been dubbed in Hindi. Now Spongebob Squarepants is called Spongebob Chaukorchaddi.
Fifty eight years of Independence and what we get is dubbed channels. If we are so insecure of letting western culture mess us up, I’ve got news. We are already quite messed up and undoing it is going to be a pretty nasty job. We educate our children in English and a good hold over English grammar is a priceless asset. Yet, if the only solution to the fear of our children not understanding English cartoons is to dub the channels, I suggest people to first stop being hypocritical and jeer or look down upon any Indian who doesn’t speak fluent English. We don’t need to. It’s not our mother tongue or national language.
Unfortunately, all I can do about this ordeal is to pour my heart out on my blog. And some unfortunate souls (if misfortune shines on them) will have to read it. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. They cannot do this to me. Cartoons were my only source of laughter, fun and some whacky, unbelievable and insane moments. They have inspired me to think out of the box, to think unnatural and outright crazy. They were more than mere entertainment. They cannot take all that from me. They cannot make Bugs Bunny say “Eh, kya ho raha hain Cheerkut?”
It’s been years since that scream of mine. The ceiling sustained it. Neighbors still stare at me when I pass by and keep their distance from me. The potted plant by the window survived too. It’s just me who died.
That’s All Folks!

The Only Girl I Ever Loved...

I wouldn’t really call it a spiteful fight. But we did not speak to each other all of sixth standard. And for some amount of seventh standard too. Every time our ways crossed on school corridors, playground, passages or the school gate, there were no frowns or scowls or disgust or rolling of eyes in indifference. The only thing that each felt was remorse and awkwardness. No. It wasn’t a fight. Just mutual, unspoken agreement to never speak to each other again. To think we stuck to it for a year and a half.
Anu was my partner in the fifth standard. But she was friendlier with the girl who sat behind us, alone. Suchitra. She would not miss a single opportunity to hurry behind and sit with her for whatever possible time. It’s not that they did not talk to me at all. But they didn’t care much for me either. Ow.
But eventually Anu and I did become close friends until we met the girl we should have never met in our lives- Lavina Miss World Pinto. Our story get a bit soap opera types here, were Lavina preys on the dim-witted of the two (read me). She convinced me that Anu was ways to arrogant, bossy and stubborn for any girl to put up with. And that I was being a pushover. Well she got me to push over Anu aside and be with her, till she got bored and moved on to the next pair of best friends she found to separate. Sheesh. I felt like a total fool.
Standard seventh. August 15. I was in a chorus group performance and Anu was part of a play. We both were backstage. I did something I had never done in my life. I swallowed my ego. I wished her best of luck. The look on her face would have won her an Oscar. Confusion, surprise, shock, joy were some emotions I saw on that face. Later that day we spoke over the phone. We’ve been inseparable ever since.
We were in the same class in eight standard. We had a blast. We’d sit together and crack jokes on our teachers. It was the year we got library cards. We’d be reading books under the desk during class. Badminton was the second craze. As we’d settle down for lunch, unlike other kids, we’d speak very little. We’d gulp down our lunch in 10 minutes and rush to spend the remaining 30 minutes of our lunch hour playing badminton. Well not all of it. A few minutes would be dedicated to retrieval of the shuttlecock from the trees now and then.
Even though we did not get to be in the same class the following two years, we’d rush to meet during break time. I still remember how we’d run from our respective classes with Rs. 2.50 in our palms and meet in the center of the corridor during break and run down to the canteen for samosas. Then we’d pledge solemnly not to make this a habit. The next day we’d find ourselves in the samosa line again. We’d play “rin-tin-tin” on the corridors to the amusement of classmates. Lunch time was later dedicated to class gossip. We’d not have enough time so we’d call up and talk to each other. On holidays, we’d talk twice a day, minimum. We’d walk on the grounds or around school campus, hand in hand. That was put to a stop after the movie Fire released.
She’s always been the patient one among the two of us. If she’d see that a topic arises where we are bound to disagree, she’d artfully steer clear and start a new topic. She was also the perfect one to turn to for advice because she was more practical and level headed. If I miss being in school, it’s mostly because I miss spending time with Anu.
We’d talk about almost anything in the world. Books, movies, teachers, other girls, Hercule Poirot, studies, classes, N.V jokes…No subject was taboo. Actually, she was the only one I wouldn’t think twice before talking to about anything at all. I was most comfortable with her. I knew she understood me perfectly and all that I say was safe with her. There have been instances when we haven’t said a word to each other, but just the twinkle in our eyes would tell us we’ve both thought of the same things. Whenever I’ve felt upset, just having her to talk to was a great relief.
We went on to study in different colleges. Though my college life was fun, I did miss her. When I would make new friends and get hurt, I’d miss her even more. All the poisonous people I have befriended have made me respect and treasure my best friend more. Although she would warn me to be wary of getting too emotional about the wrong people, I’d make the same mistakes. But when I go back to her with a hurt soul, never till today has she ever told me “I told you so “.
That’s my best friend. Anushree Nair. Genius at mind, simple at heart, vulnerable, innocent, fun, witty, loyal, trustworthy, hardworking, wise, insightful, observant, sharp, determined, loves cracking jokes on me, but will support me even if the world turns against me (I’m sure she’ll have a wisecrack on this too). Sometimes due to her being an introvert and a genius at the same time, she is misunderstood to be a snob. But she wouldn’t even bother to act snobbish, though she does have the reasons to be so. Anu is a very simple, non-manipulative girl amidst manipulative and jealous people. I’m too possessive about her and if wishful thinking were fruitful, people who hurt her would have no end to their woes.
There are very few things that I can be sure I have done right. Ten years ago, I shoved my ego aside and spoke to Anu and we became friends again. It was the only time in my entire life I have kept my ego aside. Yes, I’m going to brag about it for as long as I live. It was one of my smartest moves. I know she doesn’t mind me bragging. If she did, I’d whack her.
Happy Friendship’s Day Cutie pie.
Love, Shines.

Kalra Shukla Ki Jai Ho!

Kalra Shukla Classes. That's where I got my beauty sleep while I was in my 12th standard. Oh, what joy t'was indeed to get up at five thirty in the morning and bathe. With water. And soap, if I hadn't wasted time rolling in bed after the alarm went off. I'm talking of the months January-February. They get the coldest months to keep classes at 7 in the morning. To be honest K.S didn't give me much of education. But it did give me some exercise, a good friend and some first class memories.
My batch was different during vacations. I had my college friends in my class. But once college started, I had opted for the morning batch. Batch V1. Unforgettable moments, jokes, madness and a few precious friends. This is where I met Rashmi, the reason for all the laughs and entertainment I've had in those boring lectures.

Nothing brought people close to each other like K.S classes.
Seven people have to be seated on one bench. It definitely was a tight squeeze. It takes time to adjust in less space. Well, we had no space to speak of. Whenever we'd have to draw a diagram with our compass, I don't know how others managed, but on our bench alternately seated girls would draw while others waited their turn till they completed. If one would have a violent sneeze, the tremors and quivers were experienced by all on that bench. And in extreme cases, even by those who sat ahead and behind. That's why when anyone would sneeze, we'd say "bless us all". Not a single girl would cross her leg, because she knew there would be no room left to uncross them later. We'd all carry extra pens, because if a pen did fall down there was no hope of retrieving it during class. Not without bumping off the girl seated at the edge of the bench. Once, some insect bit me on my leg and I managed to reach it and began scratching vigorously. The lack of much awaited and expected relief was explained immediately by Rashmi who cooly informed me, "Shini... tu mera pair khuja rahi hai" We were like a close-knit family. Literally.

One reason our classes had become famous were for it's spying cameras. Every classroom had one. I think even the boys washroom wasn't spared. If I recall correctly, one boy was punished because he played "holi" on the walls or something. I'm sure you got it, 'coz if you didn't then I ain't explain' nothin'.
We really didn't know if we were watched or not, but that didn't hamper the spirit of the mischievious boys in our class. We had a lecture on the human skeletal structure. A bag of bones was placed on Girish's bench. As the professor disappeared to fetch the attendence sheet, Girish picked up the first bone he could find ( it was the thigh bone Femur), looking at the camera, waving the bone and his head up and down shouted " Hooga Pooga! Hooga Pooga!". The class exploded into uncontrollable laughter that ceased only after the professor appeared in class. That day all had an eye on the door, expecting it to open anytime and Mr. Dinesh Shukla ( our strict manager whose mind didn't have the space for an ant to crawl through ) to walk in and drag the offender out of the class. Luckily for him, nothing of the sort happened.

There were six AC's in our class. Nice. Except for the times when a professor would extend his/ her class and we wouldn't get a loo break. Mom would give me watermelon juice in the mornings before I left for class.The agony is still fresh in my mind. Physics class. Mr. C.D Mehta was going on and on about rephlaxon and rephracxon. And I was sitting, bladder bursting, cross-legged, swaying to and fro, my eyes checking my wrist watch aleast 10 times per second. What would I do if I lost control, which I was quite sure I would. It wasn't even the monsoon season. All that came to my mind was the fevicol ad, and I said to myself " Pakde rehnaaa.....Chodna nahiiii......". After that day juice was banned from my diet.

Even if you do get the opportunity to visit the washroom, you'd have to swim through a sea of girls. Really loud girls. I'm yet to comprehend why girls in the loo spoke to each other in volumes sufficient to reach a person in China. Or is it that volume accentuates expressions. Or maybe pressure on the bladder has a direct effect on their pitch. Once you're in the loo, you just have time to lock the door, breathe and there's some girl knocking on it already. But what takes the cake was the day Rashmi was waiting quietly outside a door till she grew impatient, gestured towards me that how long this girl was in there and finally knocked on the door. And the door swung open slowly and she realised she'd been waiting outside an empty loo.

I did not get too much education from this place, but I did learn a couple of things like bladder control, how to fall asleep with eyes open, how to supress/hide a yawn, restricted space survival and swallowing hot coffee ( we'd get the coffee seconds before our break ended ). I was so accustomed to sitting on those wooden, hard benches, in full blast of the A.C's, joking with friends, surviving professor's accents, imitating Dinesh Shukla and doing everything but study.

And I got an amazing friend who I've stayed in touch with even after classes ended. When we meet up occasionally we always remnicise about the jokers and weirdos in our class (trust me, there were lots), the nick names we had given them, the professors, Mr. Dinesh Manager Shukla, the undone home work and the over done excuses.

Rashmi Ghonge.
Cute, funny, innocent, kiddish, vulnerable, loyal, sincere and absolutely fun to be with.
She'd usually be lolling with sleep and when I'd nudge her, she'd get up with a jolt and start writing immediately. Once, out of curiosity as to how does she manage to jot down notes immediately after waking up, I peered into her book. There I read, scribbled in illegible writing, My name is Rashmi, I am feeling sleepy, I want to go home.....
She was a riot.
If it weren't for her, my life in K.S would have been such a drab.
Luvya Rashmi!

Classroom Capers

Studying is boring. Attending college was not something my friends and I did regularly. The lunar eclipse was more frequent a phenomenon than us attending. But when we did, we weren't kept there for long. Classrooms are not boring, not with my friends, they are not. On the contrary, they are quite eventful. I am sure you'll agree.....

The roll call starts with four hundred something and goes on till five hundred. To make it easier after five hundred the teacher starts calling out 1, 2...instead of 501, 502..Karishma was 502 and misses her call. Later she informs the teacher her number wasn't called out. On further inquiry she clarifies, "Ma'am you called out "2". My number is 502." Ya. There were 500 students in our class that day. Can't blame the poor girl.

Sitting in Vice Principle, Mr.Chako's class. Maths class. Supriya had bunked the previous lecture so I was updating her notebook with formulae. Sir catches me peering into her book, points towards me and addresses the class saying, "See, that girl does not know a single thing. If she was my daughter, I would have slapped her left and right." Supriya drops her head and shivers vigorously, trying to suppress her laughter. Of course, nothing stops laughter like an under-the-bench kick.

Another time, Rony and Prashant sitting behind us are caught by Sir. Same fate. " If they were my sons, I would have slapped them left and right". I turn around, grinning, to say "Welcome to the family". After all, what are we if not a great, big united family?

Rony was completing his chemistry journal. Grinning, he turns around to show me a phrase in the experiment manual.
It said "shake well and smell". Uncontrollable chuckling followed. Patil Sir asked us both to get out.

Everyone decides to go to play pool. After spotting one parlor, Rishi volunteers to go and check if the crowd is alright. He pushes the door. Nothing. So he pulls the door. Again nothing. Just when he gave up, thinking it's shut, someone from inside slides the door open.

We were sitting outside the gate and chatting. Someone said something which Rishi regarded as bluff. He looks at the sky and comments, "Aye! woh dekh upar, kya mast patang hai". Almost half an hour later, Bawa tugs at Prashant, looking at the sky, "Aye, kahan hai patang? Kabse dekh raha hoon. Mere ko to nahin dikhi." Even today Prashant falls off his chair laughing when I remind him.

Supriya and I were sitting alone on the last bench. I cracked some joke that she found really hilarious. She could not supress her laughter (this time even the kick didn't help). Sathye ma'am looked towards us. Supriya is giggling nonstop and the I am the picture of innocence. We were both chucked out.

Results of 1st Unit Test, Maths. Each of us scored single-digit marks out of fifty. Waseem walks up to me and inquires, "Kitna mila?". I grin and tell him "One and a half, rounded to two". He yells out loud "YES! I beat you. I got two and a half, rounded to three."

Hindi class. Paying attention was the last thing on our minds. Suddenly, the teacher decides that Rishi has pushed his luck too far with his comments and jokes. She asks him to start reading where she left off. He turns violently towards his left, right and behind before confirming, " Kaun Miss, main?". He was sitting alone on the last bench of the class.

Maths class for 1 hour was quite torturous. Our teacher enters and announces she has booked all lectures. So we'll be having her lecture for four hours. Every one groaned. Offended she said, " I don't want any disinterested students in my class. All those who wish to leave may leave now." So she was left with six interested students to teach for four hours.

This particular Hindi lecture was proving to be unbearable. I kept my text open, placed a finger on a random paragraph, looked down and covered my eyes with the other hand. I was preparing for a snooze and asked my partner Supriya ( I can't believe how many times I sat next to madam Dim-wit) to warn me if the teacher starts walking around or gets suspicious. A while later, the teacher is standing next to me, staring grimly and I can hear my faithful partner's voice saying "Shini...get up...Ma'am aa gayi...".

"That boy there in the last bench, stand up." Rony stood up obediently. "You are only talking and not paying attention" Ma'am continued. "No ma'am, I was listening" he defends. "Okay, can you repeat what was I saying". Solemnly he replies "Yes Ma'am. You said, ' that boy in the last bench stand up...'. It cost him his I.D card that day.

The Chemistry Lab: The Hub Of Insanity (read and you'll know why)

It's the second day in the chem lab. Titration experiment. Moments before the teacher approached the part when she tells us the change in colour of the liquid on adding drops of the indicator, Bawa looks at me and tells me "It will become pink". I retort back matter-of-factly "No, it will become orange, I read in the manual". "Toh maine bhi padha...it becomes pink". We become aware of the fact that we lost track of our volume. Our teacher is waiting for us to grace her with silence and the entire group was quietly staring at us. Our teacher looks at both of us, adds a few drops of indicator in the flask and cooly replies, "and the liquid will turn yellow." Times like these I sincerely wished I could just melt my way into inexistence.

Same day in the chem lab. Kunal approaches me saying "Yeh kya hai yaar? Acid daal ke main pak gaya. Iska colour change hi nahin hota." I tell him to try again. He comes back saying "mere chemicals defetive hain". I ask him to explain his procedure. After hearing him out I ask him "Toh tune indicator daala hi nahin?" He inquires back "Indicator kya hota hain?" Eureka.

I required KOH (potassium hydroxide) for a certain test. I spent a good 10 mins searching for the bottle in various shelves. I come back to my place, defeated. Staring back at me was the KOH bottle, on the rack in front of me.

We had to perform some tests on powders given to us to identify it . Kunal copies every confirmatory test I do. I get the confirmatory test result as positive, he does not. Coming up to me he says "Aye yaar Shini, mere powder ka expiry ho gaya lagta hain. Iska result nahin aata hain." I take a look at his chemical powder. It was brown. Mine was green. We had different chemicals.

Sardar boy tells Surina that he wants to borrow HCL from her since he doesn't have any.Suri goes and picks a bottle from his rack and tells him that he does. He explains, "No. Thats not HCL. It is CL. See..." he points at the label. The alphabet 'H' had faded due to some reason. But Suri didn't try explaining. She quietly handed him her bottle. Wise.

In the lab, there are small containers with sand in several corners. In case of any object catching fire we're supposed to throw it into the sand. Surina asked Dipesh why there was sand kept. Dipesh is quick to reply, "Arre, experiment karke jab dimag pak jaye naa, toh sand castle banake TP karne ke liye". Sahi bola baap.

English Made Easy

This is an article I had read long ago in the newspaper and was highly amused. Haven't got over it yet. Enjoy.

The European Commision has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of The Europe rather than German which was the other possibility. As a part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and had accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace with a soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplicated changes are possible. Government will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be respectiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unnesesary "o" kan be dropd out from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!