Kalra Shukla Ki Jai Ho!

Kalra Shukla Classes. That's where I got my beauty sleep while I was in my 12th standard. Oh, what joy t'was indeed to get up at five thirty in the morning and bathe. With water. And soap, if I hadn't wasted time rolling in bed after the alarm went off. I'm talking of the months January-February. They get the coldest months to keep classes at 7 in the morning. To be honest K.S didn't give me much of education. But it did give me some exercise, a good friend and some first class memories.
My batch was different during vacations. I had my college friends in my class. But once college started, I had opted for the morning batch. Batch V1. Unforgettable moments, jokes, madness and a few precious friends. This is where I met Rashmi, the reason for all the laughs and entertainment I've had in those boring lectures.

Nothing brought people close to each other like K.S classes.
Seven people have to be seated on one bench. It definitely was a tight squeeze. It takes time to adjust in less space. Well, we had no space to speak of. Whenever we'd have to draw a diagram with our compass, I don't know how others managed, but on our bench alternately seated girls would draw while others waited their turn till they completed. If one would have a violent sneeze, the tremors and quivers were experienced by all on that bench. And in extreme cases, even by those who sat ahead and behind. That's why when anyone would sneeze, we'd say "bless us all". Not a single girl would cross her leg, because she knew there would be no room left to uncross them later. We'd all carry extra pens, because if a pen did fall down there was no hope of retrieving it during class. Not without bumping off the girl seated at the edge of the bench. Once, some insect bit me on my leg and I managed to reach it and began scratching vigorously. The lack of much awaited and expected relief was explained immediately by Rashmi who cooly informed me, "Shini... tu mera pair khuja rahi hai" We were like a close-knit family. Literally.

One reason our classes had become famous were for it's spying cameras. Every classroom had one. I think even the boys washroom wasn't spared. If I recall correctly, one boy was punished because he played "holi" on the walls or something. I'm sure you got it, 'coz if you didn't then I ain't explain' nothin'.
We really didn't know if we were watched or not, but that didn't hamper the spirit of the mischievious boys in our class. We had a lecture on the human skeletal structure. A bag of bones was placed on Girish's bench. As the professor disappeared to fetch the attendence sheet, Girish picked up the first bone he could find ( it was the thigh bone Femur), looking at the camera, waving the bone and his head up and down shouted " Hooga Pooga! Hooga Pooga!". The class exploded into uncontrollable laughter that ceased only after the professor appeared in class. That day all had an eye on the door, expecting it to open anytime and Mr. Dinesh Shukla ( our strict manager whose mind didn't have the space for an ant to crawl through ) to walk in and drag the offender out of the class. Luckily for him, nothing of the sort happened.

There were six AC's in our class. Nice. Except for the times when a professor would extend his/ her class and we wouldn't get a loo break. Mom would give me watermelon juice in the mornings before I left for class.The agony is still fresh in my mind. Physics class. Mr. C.D Mehta was going on and on about rephlaxon and rephracxon. And I was sitting, bladder bursting, cross-legged, swaying to and fro, my eyes checking my wrist watch aleast 10 times per second. What would I do if I lost control, which I was quite sure I would. It wasn't even the monsoon season. All that came to my mind was the fevicol ad, and I said to myself " Pakde rehnaaa.....Chodna nahiiii......". After that day juice was banned from my diet.

Even if you do get the opportunity to visit the washroom, you'd have to swim through a sea of girls. Really loud girls. I'm yet to comprehend why girls in the loo spoke to each other in volumes sufficient to reach a person in China. Or is it that volume accentuates expressions. Or maybe pressure on the bladder has a direct effect on their pitch. Once you're in the loo, you just have time to lock the door, breathe and there's some girl knocking on it already. But what takes the cake was the day Rashmi was waiting quietly outside a door till she grew impatient, gestured towards me that how long this girl was in there and finally knocked on the door. And the door swung open slowly and she realised she'd been waiting outside an empty loo.

I did not get too much education from this place, but I did learn a couple of things like bladder control, how to fall asleep with eyes open, how to supress/hide a yawn, restricted space survival and swallowing hot coffee ( we'd get the coffee seconds before our break ended ). I was so accustomed to sitting on those wooden, hard benches, in full blast of the A.C's, joking with friends, surviving professor's accents, imitating Dinesh Shukla and doing everything but study.

And I got an amazing friend who I've stayed in touch with even after classes ended. When we meet up occasionally we always remnicise about the jokers and weirdos in our class (trust me, there were lots), the nick names we had given them, the professors, Mr. Dinesh Manager Shukla, the undone home work and the over done excuses.

Rashmi Ghonge.
Cute, funny, innocent, kiddish, vulnerable, loyal, sincere and absolutely fun to be with.
She'd usually be lolling with sleep and when I'd nudge her, she'd get up with a jolt and start writing immediately. Once, out of curiosity as to how does she manage to jot down notes immediately after waking up, I peered into her book. There I read, scribbled in illegible writing, My name is Rashmi, I am feeling sleepy, I want to go home.....
She was a riot.
If it weren't for her, my life in K.S would have been such a drab.
Luvya Rashmi!

Classroom Capers

Studying is boring. Attending college was not something my friends and I did regularly. The lunar eclipse was more frequent a phenomenon than us attending. But when we did, we weren't kept there for long. Classrooms are not boring, not with my friends, they are not. On the contrary, they are quite eventful. I am sure you'll agree.....

The roll call starts with four hundred something and goes on till five hundred. To make it easier after five hundred the teacher starts calling out 1, 2...instead of 501, 502..Karishma was 502 and misses her call. Later she informs the teacher her number wasn't called out. On further inquiry she clarifies, "Ma'am you called out "2". My number is 502." Ya. There were 500 students in our class that day. Can't blame the poor girl.

Sitting in Vice Principle, Mr.Chako's class. Maths class. Supriya had bunked the previous lecture so I was updating her notebook with formulae. Sir catches me peering into her book, points towards me and addresses the class saying, "See, that girl does not know a single thing. If she was my daughter, I would have slapped her left and right." Supriya drops her head and shivers vigorously, trying to suppress her laughter. Of course, nothing stops laughter like an under-the-bench kick.

Another time, Rony and Prashant sitting behind us are caught by Sir. Same fate. " If they were my sons, I would have slapped them left and right". I turn around, grinning, to say "Welcome to the family". After all, what are we if not a great, big united family?

Rony was completing his chemistry journal. Grinning, he turns around to show me a phrase in the experiment manual.
It said "shake well and smell". Uncontrollable chuckling followed. Patil Sir asked us both to get out.

Everyone decides to go to play pool. After spotting one parlor, Rishi volunteers to go and check if the crowd is alright. He pushes the door. Nothing. So he pulls the door. Again nothing. Just when he gave up, thinking it's shut, someone from inside slides the door open.

We were sitting outside the gate and chatting. Someone said something which Rishi regarded as bluff. He looks at the sky and comments, "Aye! woh dekh upar, kya mast patang hai". Almost half an hour later, Bawa tugs at Prashant, looking at the sky, "Aye, kahan hai patang? Kabse dekh raha hoon. Mere ko to nahin dikhi." Even today Prashant falls off his chair laughing when I remind him.

Supriya and I were sitting alone on the last bench. I cracked some joke that she found really hilarious. She could not supress her laughter (this time even the kick didn't help). Sathye ma'am looked towards us. Supriya is giggling nonstop and the I am the picture of innocence. We were both chucked out.

Results of 1st Unit Test, Maths. Each of us scored single-digit marks out of fifty. Waseem walks up to me and inquires, "Kitna mila?". I grin and tell him "One and a half, rounded to two". He yells out loud "YES! I beat you. I got two and a half, rounded to three."

Hindi class. Paying attention was the last thing on our minds. Suddenly, the teacher decides that Rishi has pushed his luck too far with his comments and jokes. She asks him to start reading where she left off. He turns violently towards his left, right and behind before confirming, " Kaun Miss, main?". He was sitting alone on the last bench of the class.

Maths class for 1 hour was quite torturous. Our teacher enters and announces she has booked all lectures. So we'll be having her lecture for four hours. Every one groaned. Offended she said, " I don't want any disinterested students in my class. All those who wish to leave may leave now." So she was left with six interested students to teach for four hours.

This particular Hindi lecture was proving to be unbearable. I kept my text open, placed a finger on a random paragraph, looked down and covered my eyes with the other hand. I was preparing for a snooze and asked my partner Supriya ( I can't believe how many times I sat next to madam Dim-wit) to warn me if the teacher starts walking around or gets suspicious. A while later, the teacher is standing next to me, staring grimly and I can hear my faithful partner's voice saying "Shini...get up...Ma'am aa gayi...".

"That boy there in the last bench, stand up." Rony stood up obediently. "You are only talking and not paying attention" Ma'am continued. "No ma'am, I was listening" he defends. "Okay, can you repeat what was I saying". Solemnly he replies "Yes Ma'am. You said, ' that boy in the last bench stand up...'. It cost him his I.D card that day.

The Chemistry Lab: The Hub Of Insanity (read and you'll know why)

It's the second day in the chem lab. Titration experiment. Moments before the teacher approached the part when she tells us the change in colour of the liquid on adding drops of the indicator, Bawa looks at me and tells me "It will become pink". I retort back matter-of-factly "No, it will become orange, I read in the manual". "Toh maine bhi padha...it becomes pink". We become aware of the fact that we lost track of our volume. Our teacher is waiting for us to grace her with silence and the entire group was quietly staring at us. Our teacher looks at both of us, adds a few drops of indicator in the flask and cooly replies, "and the liquid will turn yellow." Times like these I sincerely wished I could just melt my way into inexistence.

Same day in the chem lab. Kunal approaches me saying "Yeh kya hai yaar? Acid daal ke main pak gaya. Iska colour change hi nahin hota." I tell him to try again. He comes back saying "mere chemicals defetive hain". I ask him to explain his procedure. After hearing him out I ask him "Toh tune indicator daala hi nahin?" He inquires back "Indicator kya hota hain?" Eureka.

I required KOH (potassium hydroxide) for a certain test. I spent a good 10 mins searching for the bottle in various shelves. I come back to my place, defeated. Staring back at me was the KOH bottle, on the rack in front of me.

We had to perform some tests on powders given to us to identify it . Kunal copies every confirmatory test I do. I get the confirmatory test result as positive, he does not. Coming up to me he says "Aye yaar Shini, mere powder ka expiry ho gaya lagta hain. Iska result nahin aata hain." I take a look at his chemical powder. It was brown. Mine was green. We had different chemicals.

Sardar boy tells Surina that he wants to borrow HCL from her since he doesn't have any.Suri goes and picks a bottle from his rack and tells him that he does. He explains, "No. Thats not HCL. It is CL. See..." he points at the label. The alphabet 'H' had faded due to some reason. But Suri didn't try explaining. She quietly handed him her bottle. Wise.

In the lab, there are small containers with sand in several corners. In case of any object catching fire we're supposed to throw it into the sand. Surina asked Dipesh why there was sand kept. Dipesh is quick to reply, "Arre, experiment karke jab dimag pak jaye naa, toh sand castle banake TP karne ke liye". Sahi bola baap.

English Made Easy

This is an article I had read long ago in the newspaper and was highly amused. Haven't got over it yet. Enjoy.

The European Commision has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of The Europe rather than German which was the other possibility. As a part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and had accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace with a soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplicated changes are possible. Government will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be respectiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unnesesary "o" kan be dropd out from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!